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Super day yesterday. I managed great headway on three projects, finishing one, roughing out another, and starting the third. I hope to have them completed this afternoon. Then on to the remaining two.
Yesterday was also an exercise in frustration and futility in one case. I belong to a meditation group. I help the monks financially. When one of them called last week, I sent out a check. That’s where I realized the irony of the situation, for a small check to a meditation group spiked my blood pressure to dangerous levels, and has convinced me that females have particular roadblocks they have to overcome in order to succeed.
The monk (a female) called and hinted at donation. I took down the information – name, address, etc. Confirmed it all. Sent it. Asked the others in the meditation group via email to help. That set off six phone calls and nearly a dozen emails over a three-day span.
Really? I got a call back from the monk. She was saying that now the check I sent (with the wrong name on it, mind you) should have been sent to a different address. Not only do I have to send a new check, but I now have to send it elsewhere and there’s no one who’s able to tell me why she didn’t tell me that in the first place. Then someone brought up why I’d asked only the women in the group and not the two men. Then that sparked another conversation about unwritten rules and gender. All of this over one check. One.
It punctuates a point I’ve often thought to be why some women don’t do well in business situations; there’s just too much dancing around what you want or need and not enough stating it. I’ve seen a few men fail because of this same issue, but it is inherently a female problem. Prove me wrong. Please.
I would love to say this was an isolated incident. I can’t. I worked in an office once where I’d asked a simple question of a manager about a woman who’d just gotten married – how would she like her name to be listed in the directory? That one question set off an email string that eventually had 12 female managers commenting. And not one of them ever resolved the question. They just discussed it to death. I solved it by picking up the phone and calling the woman directly (and I’d have been flogged verbally for doing so had they known).
We writers are no different when working with clients. Either we’re waffling on what we want or the clients are. Here’s how to avoid that same, frustrating scenario:
State what you want clearly and plainly. Don’t say “Here’s an idea for an article.” Say “May I write this for your magazine?”
Ask for very detailed information. If the client is the waffler, ask pointed questions. In my case, I was able to determine from the monk what she wanted by saying “What do you want me to do?” Simple is best.
Ask for what you want. Note that the monk hinted at needing cash. Had I not been paying attention, I’d have missed her plea for financial support. She needed to say “I’m calling to ask for your monetary support in helping us meet our goals.” I get that. Likewise, you need to say to your clients “Here are my parameters and these are my terms.” Don’t make them guess or surprise them later with your bill.
Keep communication to only those who need to know. By involving more people in your client communications, you’re muddying the message and you’re going to have a harder time getting what you need in order to get the job done. Ask one person, two tops. Don’t work with a committee of eight unless all eight are signing the check.
How do you get down to the point? How do you get clients to clarify their messages?
Put it in writing. Even when you think everyone is on the same page, you are often surprised by the variations on what it is they think you agreed to.
How's that for a nice segue to your webinar on contracts? 🙂 I do a Statement of Work for projects that spell out the scope, terms & fees.
I also do regular updates by email. And I am a big believer in doing just what you did, Lori, when there was trouble – just pick up the phone and ask.
If you have trouble asking, why not try writing a script or listing points and practicing it until you're comfortable? It does get easier in time -especially if you're like me and like to eat. 🙂
One thing I've noticed after almost five years of doing this is that while most of my male clients and editors seem to appreciate a direct approach, this doesn't always hold true for women. I know this is a *huge* generalization, but it's just my experience.
For example, if I follow up on a payment with a male client, I will simply say, "following up on invoice sent on x date…please send an update as soon as possible." When I took the same approach with several female clients, they seemed to get their backs up.
One (female) client even stopped sending me work after I was persistent in following up on late invoices. You could tell in their responses they were upset about it. In my mind, though, within 30 days is just that…not 45 or whenever you get around to cutting checks.
This is something I've been working hard to get out of. I'm able to be direct on paper, but get me face-to-face or on the phone and suddenly I'm waffling again. Grrrr.
I worked for 10 years in the healthcare field, a place where it seemed like women dominated. I saw that same thing there all the time. And any woman who was direct and asked for what she wanted was labeled a bitch. It's a problem.
Super segue, Cathy! LOL Thanks. 🙂
I like your point about putting it into a script if you have to. For me, if you're having troubles in person, send it to email, and vice versa if the phone call isn't working. Sometimes you just need to hit on the right form of communication.
Anon (Paula?), I suspect that one female was just unwilling to pay. I don't think it's a huge generalization – I think women enjoy being in calm waters and don't enjoy ripples or waves so much. My own experience with my husband is proof – the things that are said by others that work me into a froth barely get his attention.
Why do you think that is, Amelia? You seem like someone who would assert kindly and without reservation. And I'm with you on what happens in healthcare – I saw the same thing. Then again, I worked in an office of all women and one man (not a manager). Worst working experience of my life.
It's sort of a follow-up to my comment in the section for the Nov. 23 post on negotiations, and how so often, there's still a difference in how negotiations are received due to gender. It's still an issue, unfortunately.
On a different topic, I had an interesting discussion with an agent yesterday which convinced me that I'm on the right track with both the way I approach my writing and how I've structured the year long class. If they can't hack it, yep, get out.
I'll land other work (pain in the butt, but I can do it).
Anon wasn't me, Lori. I've been at this way more than five years. And I've never really noticed any major gender differences when it comes to communication. Given Anon was talking about a late payer, I can see why you'd think it might be me. (Still waiting for the $75 the late payer shorted me. He SAID he'd get to it after Thanksgiving.)
That said, on the interpersonal level, over the past month I've noticed that women (in my family at least) tend to read more into what's been said that might actually be there. I'm guilty of it. The catch is, I usually read positive things into others' comments, but some people read negatives into my comments. Not sure why that is.
In one case it led to a family member defending her decision by telling me she made it based on what I'd supposedly told her. She swears I said something that is entirely contrary to what I would ever say – think of how out-of-character it would be for a vegetarian to order a steak, and you've got it. I know I never said what she swears I said, unless it was with obvious sarcasm. She said I wasn't being sarcastic. I said I was sorry if I'd said something that led her to infer the wrong thing – I was trying to give her a graceful way of admitting she might be wrong. She maintained that she didn't infer the wrong thing, that I actually had said what I know I didn't say. The weird thing was it was over such a minor non-issue that it doesn't even matter now that I've made my real position clear. (The funny part, someone else in on this exchange told me, "Ah – she was probably drinking and heard what she wanted to hear.")
I pretty quickly put clients into Myers-Briggs or DISC categories–much more dependent on someone's inherent work style than on their gender.
By nature I'm direct, but I'll play along with the waffle game for a while as long as it's not decreasing my profitability. Back in my corporate days, working with indecisive clients with whom I had no choice, I used to mentally think of it as hanging back and letting the toddlers tire themselves out.
Devon, if you've not read Deborah Tannen's books on gender and communication, do. They're excellent representations of our unique differences and how we can get along better by understanding those differences. Really neat books. (Glad your agent agreed with you – you have a great offering there.)
Paula, I wasn't sure. I was sure you had been at it longer. Don't know why I assumed it was you. I've seen similar conversations, too. If you watch BBC, you'll see how men can engage in that same communication behavior (I GET British men!). I've had someone say something to me that seems innocuous to the husband, but I know a slight when I hear it!
Jake, I have to agree. I'd much rather we're able to work together than what gender they happen to be. I've had as much trouble with men as women at times, so it's more about their personal communication style.
"…letting the toddlers tire themselves out." I'm totally stealing that line. 🙂
I find that this is true in many cases. I have a tendency to write extra nice in email just to be sure that I come across with the tone I intend and so it can't be misinterpreted. I find I have misinterpreted others' emails when they don't take the same super-nice tone.
I also prefer working for a male boss rather than a female boss, because often I would have to do the "dance" to say what clearly needs to be said but I can't say it directly to a woman. It could be the particular woman rather than women in general though, because I find I get along equally well with my female clients vs. my male clients. Often it's just a matter of tone in text versus tone in person or on the phone. I find that misunderstandings are resolved much more quickly when people just talk to each other! (maybe that was the problem with that old boss who always communicated difficult messages by email …)
Ashley, it could indeed be that one woman. I've had great rapport with female supervisors in the past (and female clients currently). I think if you keep a professional tone, you don't have to be so worried about offending someone. Everyone domes to each communication situation with their own ghosts and issues. We can't know what's motivating someone else's reaction, nor can we avoid asking for what we need because of it.
Funny, because a (British) friend recently said that his (male) doctors were hemming and hawing and not answering his questions, or communicating very well. Then he went to another (female) doctor who gave him his results, explained what it meant, and told him what to do about it.
Now, he only wants female doctors!
Jodi, it has to be the difference in culture. I know here there's a culture of women who are afraid to stick their necks out lest the male counterparts find fault. Knowing just a little about the British culture, I'd say it's vastly different than the American culture in how ideas are shared and decisions are made. Doesn't suprise me to hear you say that. 🙂