Some of them are good – very good. I’m talking about the clients and pseudo-clients who cajole us into sticking our necks out or taking on work or working conditions that normally we’d run from. But haven’t we all said, “But they were so nice!” Yes, they were. It’s how they get you.
By investing in emotional language and pleas, these people can make the most ludicrous situation sound exemplary. Case in point – I was once asked by a very nice man to give him my bank routing number so he could deposit funds in my account on a regular basis. Lucky for me I’m a skeptic. He was sent packing, minus the info.
From negotiations to final drafts, we’ve heard it all, haven’t we? Here are my favorites:
We really need this right away. Sounds fine, but it was delivered smack in the center of negotiating my fee, which they ignored. I don’t put out fires without the proper equipment. It’s not an emergency to me until I’m signed on to serve, you know?
I prefer to work without a contract. They’re so fussy. Paint me a fuss-budget. I prefer to cover my arse. Put up with the fussiness or begone.
I’ll pay you with royalties. No, you’ll pay me with current cash, not pipe-dream cash. Next!
We need a sample of your editing skills. Edit this chapter. I bet you say that to all the girls. In fact, I bet you say that to everyone who applies for the gig. And I bet those chapters are all different and you’re never really hiring an editor at all, are you? Scum.
We never received your invoice. Not any of the three times or even that one you acknowledged and claimed was being paid that week? Wow. Either you have a lousy memory or you’re a pathetic liar. Guess which one I’m choosing?
Your payment is late because we’ve found serious errors in the copy. Oh really? Funny how in the three months after I’d turned over the project you failed to mention any issues. It’s an old trick, client, and one I’ve heard to death. Pay up.
We need to change this part – my friends don’t like it. Are your friends being paid to be your writer or editor? No? Then stop relying on nonprofessionals to advise you on a professional project. And find another writer, for you’ve just voided our contract (no posses allowed!) and you owe me in full.
What are some of your favorite lines?
Here's my favorite:
My child needs surgery, my uncle is dying, my dad just had a heart attack, my mortgage went up higher than I expected, my car needs a new transmission and my spouse was diagnosed with a disease. Plus, I'm going to Disney world next week. I can pay you sometime in the next couple of months. Oh, you poor person you.
Or when they try to barter with something that's of "equal value"(snort). For instance a T-shirt with their company name on it. The next time the plumber comes out, I'll give him that T-shirt. I'm sure he'll accept that as payment right?
Wendy, thanks for the belly laugh! Oh, I'm DYING to get a company t-shirt! I want one with a pithy saying – you know, the one they had another writer write for free. ;))
"I would write this myself, of course, but I just don't have the time. It should only take you half an hour."
Ok, I've heard this one TWICE now (this is what I get for using job lists):
"We got so many responses that we're going to do something different…" And the something different turns out to be
1) Take time out of your day to write us a very specific, targeted sample that you will not be paid for.
2) We're lowering the pay. Reply if you're still interested in our new offer of "pennies."
3) We're going to "hire" interns instead. Want to work for free? (Yeah, no, I did that in college, like, years ago, when I was actually ABLE to work for free…)
"We value you so much and love your work, but our budget's been cut."
Gee, that's really not my problem. If you value me that much, you'll come up with the cash.
I've pretty much heard all of these or some variation thereof. A recent favorite of mine was a client who kept saying that because of all the time she'd been caretaking for her mother (Hello? But you, Lori, and she knew that I had massive caretaking duties of my own), she must have overlooked it. When I still didn't receive payment 45 days later, received NO response to my final notice and then threatened immediate collective measures, she finally admitted that until that day (conveniently) she hadn't had a dime to send me. She then added, "My wish is that you and your business is [are] never treated the way you have me." I meant to blog about it, because it was a definite Screw You! experience, but I actually felt sorry for her patheticness.
Ooo, she pulled out the guilt trip, didn't she, Kathy? Begging for sympathy by insulting you – she's low.
Allena, I hear that, too! What's that supposed to mean anyway? "We're now changing the rules because we can." Jerks!
Devon, true. If they value you, they can show it by meeting your price. Otherwise it's just lip service.
Eileen, how many times have you said, "Then go ahead. As you say, it shouldn't take you half an hour"? The temptation! LOL
"We're having difficulties with our PayPal account/credit card."
Strange how quickly people either resolve those problems or come forward with the truth when you give them a mailing address for a check and a FedEx account number to use.
I've never said "go ahead" to the folks who claim they could write it themselves, they just didn't have the time. But one time, I had a guy who did not want to pay my rates. He said in frustration, "I could put a writer at a desk here at my office and pay him $30 an hour to do what I'm offering to you!" So I said, "Well, that sounds like a much better way to go, given your business model." No, we never did end up coming to terms.
Eileen, he actually said that? Did he account for the hundreds he'd also have to pay in workers compensation coverage for said employee? They don't get it. As for me, I've been DYING to tell someone that. 🙂
Carson, I find that they come round the moment I put a deadline on my litigation threat. "Please pay within 10 days to avoid litigation" has worked every single time I've been forced to use it.
Hi. I am actually involved in litigation with one client. They filed a counterclaim for a huge amount in response to my claim, claiming that I caused them damages, because they couldn’t publish my articles with adverts alongside. This is for the reason that their sales person quit her job as she allegedly got frustrated with me and they were unable to replace her. Then they invented a name for her forgetting that I know her, because they introduced us. I couldn’t believe that they put this on a formal statement, which includes an oath of truth. After she stop laughing when I told her the above, she signed a witness statement in my favour. The court hearing is in April. Whish me luck.
Marna, that's nuts! Oh my lord, the lengths they'll go to in order to avoid payment!
Good luck, though I think luck and common sense are all on your side. 🙂
LOL Wow, some of these stories are hilarious! You should all compile them into a little "it could be worse" book with daily horror stories to remind us how non-serious most of of our everyday issues are. 😉
My favorite is always the "my friend said…" one. I had one client in particular who used this one often, which always resulted in an extra edit (why I limit edits more strictly now). It's the same client who guilt trips and constantly asks for "favors." Their projects were finished up quite some time ago, so I've gotten to the point where I just have to ignore the emails or I'll get sucked in again, and I just don't have the time for it anymore. Fortunately those clients are few and far between though. 🙂
I've actually been pretty lucky and only had a handful of clients over the past 16 years who've stalled or taken too long to pay (the commercial field in general, and my clients in particular have been solid).
In most cases, they really were in dire straits and kept me in the loop on where they were and when I could expect payment. I'll be enormously forgiving of slow payment if a client regularly communicates with me; it's when they stop communicating or returning my communication and just vanish that I get pissed.
Used a clever strategy recently to get some money out of a client. This guy still owes me $1500 on an original $3500 gig dating back to 11/08. I was planning on making a $1000 contribution to this local charity I've supported for years.
I told him I was only planning on giving $500 this year, but that if he gave me a check for $1000 (all of which would be credited to his debt, of course), I'd make sure the charity knew that he was the donor of half of it.
He didn't come up with the $1000, but did pony up $500. I donated $500 plus "his" $500 and identified him as the donor of half to the charity. He gets to feel like he makes a difference (it was a charity that I KNEW he'd resonate with) and we chip away a bit further at his debt. Win-win.
PB
LOL! Love it, Peter! It's a much nicer way than threatening litigation. 🙂
I did have one company that danced with me for nearly five months. I'd call, they'd claim the check just went out. The last call they made after reading my "litigation" line. The dude claimed he'd never received the three prior invoices. No? Not even the one in which you said payment had just been sent my way – three months ago? He asked for more time than the 10 days. I said no thank you. The check came on day 10.