Writers Worth: Coming Out of the Shadows

This post is proof that Emily Montgomery knows how to conquer fear.

I’d read a post on Devon Ellington’s Biblio Paradise last week. A great post. Emily’s post (her first, it seems). I sent a quick email to Devon — would Emily contribute here? The next day, Emily’s first email to me came in. In it, this post. Her opening line to me: “My first instinct was to say no.”

And though she’s new to writing, Emily pushed down her fear and gave us a damn fine lesson in that very thing. Emily has been lurking here for some time, but it’s the first time we’re hearing her voice. If we’re lucky, she’ll make posting here a regular thing.

Fear is My Shadow

By Emily Montgomery

When Lori Widmer asked me to participate, I composed a half a dozen emails refusing. I don’t consider writing a hobby, but neither is it my profession. I never sent those emails; I sent this instead.

Lori asked me to write about fear. I fear many things, including death by alligator, which isn’t relevant to writing. I sometimes wonder if people think my life is like an Anita Brookner novel. I assure everyone I am much happier and not lonely.

As a beginning writer, unpublished, I have a cadre of interconnected fears. The biggest ones, beyond the “I’m not good enough” fear coalesce into one big fear that I will let people down.

Once my writing goes beyond myself and others are interested in taking it to the larger world, it’s no longer my private world. It’s no longer about me, about the pleasure I get from creating worlds and discovering the people inside them, why they do what they do. I’m selfish about my created worlds. There’s something magical when you are the only one with access.

Once there’s a contract and deadlines, people count on you. Other people’s schedules and other people’s livelihoods are involved. That scares me. What if I can’t deliver the quality within the deadline?

Piled on top of that fear is the fear that if I force myself into meeting deadlines, the joy in the writing will vanish. That fear is stronger than anything else. I don’t know if I could live without the joy of writing.

Yet, simply writing and sticking it into a drawer feels self-indulgent. If the writers whose work I loved over the years never dared to share it beyond their writing rooms, we would all miss so much. I don’t put myself in their league, but maybe someone, somewhere will find that flash of recognition when a story touches our hearts.

Not writing terrifies me more than writing.

So I write. I will learn the rest of it. I will face the challenges and meet them.

I write.

Emily Montgomery is a writer. In the foreseeable future, she will have a website, and, with craft, persistence, and luck, a published novel.