Friday Freelance Follies: This Job, Not That Job

I lie. There are plenty. Just a lot of them unprintable.

Lets start with that very first sentence:

Someone who is paying writers 4 to 6 cents a damn word is not a client who values good content. I suspect he’s someone who expects it. That’s it. He’s just used the wrong word here.

How about clients who don’t get that even banging words on a keyboard (which is physically impossible if we’re getting technical here) takes time and skill?

What’s that? That, my writer friend, is the sound of someone name-dropping and trying to make these places (even “etc”) sound like the Valhalla of writing success. Never mind the fact that most SaaS writers work for technology firms and large corporations who, guess what? pay much, much more than 4 damn cents a word.

Here’s your chance to work with an someone that’s worked with (shitty) clients scaled to the top, and contributes to exactly those brands!

(Plus, I’m super chill! )

Oh yes, your coolness just oozes from the screen. So does your interesting grasp of sentence structure and grammar.

Fun fact: I don’t care! It’s not relevant to this job. Unless …. you’re trying to convince someone to apply and make pennies, then perhaps switch to “Gee, I could teach you this stuff! It will only cost you…” No, he’s not said this. But I’m the eternal skeptic.

Oh, we’re still reading, but that’s not so great for you.

Let’s just skip past some of this BS and get to this:

Same as above. Seriously, I’m not looking for cookie-cutter bullshit. You need to be decent (and I’ll make you great! ).

Who ARE you even? If I’ve never heard of you even with a Google search, you’re not making anyone great.

USD 0.04-0.06 per word (based on experience)

Note: Unlike other clients, I’ll work closely with you and share invaluable trade secrets. I’m not the end-goal, but someone you want to work with if you want to get “really good.”

There. THAT is how he’s making you great, freelance writer. You are going to get paid, well, let’s use his own terms — bullshit to build his portfolio while he shares the “invaluable trade secrets” that only he can provide to people he’s underpaying. And by God, he’s going to make you “really good” at this stuff. Probably by teaching you how to bullshit others, I’d guess.

As you’ll be ghostwriting for me, I’ll share my knowledge to help you match my content level. Not being arrogant, but if you can write like me, you can pretty much write for any big SaaS brand.

Oh go on — be arrogant. Why stop now?

And I looked this dude up. His “big SaaS brand” portfolio? You’ve heard of two. The rest are pretty darned obscure. And he includes writing for a popular blogger, so … yea.

If you’ve delivered a-level content, and worked with me for at least 3 months, I’ll introduce you to brands in my network so that you can build your own portfolio.

I skipped down to this line (mainly because the stuff in between was carrot-dangling fluff) because it’s the tell. You have to churn out content for this guy for three months. You have to wait one-quarter of a year before he’ll do anything more for you than underpay you.

Look, I’m a writer just like you,

Oh, I highly doubt that.

I don’t care how you work (even if you work pant-less).

Because you’re “chill” like that. And because we do what we want in our own offices anyway, so why is this a selling point?

Again, I don’t care if you’re native US or from Nigeria.

There’s your next insult. Isn’t it great to be lumped into the mix with non-native speakers?

Look, you don’t know this guy. I don’t know this guy. No amount of polish or glitter is going to make this anything but a shitty job offer, which is ironic given his own allergy to shitty clients. But wasn’t that just more window dressing to make you think he gets your struggle and is willing to be your chill buddy?

Want to write about software and technology in more general terms for more money? Try this: