What’s on the iPod: The Last Wine of Winter by Chris Bathgate
Last week we touched on advice. I’d had that encounter with a writer not long ago where asked-for advice was met with some heavy resistance and “I know how to do that.” Weird reaction to someone answering your question, but some people cannot admit they don’t know everything.
Ashley said about receiving advice in her comment: “I’m actually more guilty of the opposite: believing whatever anyone tells me about my writing – good, bad, indifferent.” And she’s expressed that now she’s confident enough to know when to take it and when to leave it.
Yet how many of us starting out (or even years into it) take that advice verbatim – even the bad advice? I have. I remember being hired for more than one project where the point person suddenly morphs into a point committee where everyone’s opinion is expressed and viewed as the way to handle the project. And in each case, the project became a hot mess. It’s partly because the clients allowed too much intervention by others, but it’s mostly because I didn’t know when or how to filter the advice (or the number of people with input, for that matter).
Lately my own reactions to advice do vary. It depends on who’s giving it, if it was asked for, and if I think this person has any basis for giving it. For example, I’m not about to start taking grammar advice from clients when the goal for them may be to worm a rate reduction out of me. However, if the advice comes from an editor – a working editor – you bet I’ll mull it over.
Note that I didn’t say I’d take it verbatim. Even editors can be wrong. But what I won’t do is shun the advice instantly, even if it’s obvious it’s nonsense. If I stop and think things over, removing emotion from the thought process, I’m more sure of whether the advice is valid or not. And even in cases where it’s obviously not, I’ll give it some thought so I can respond to it cordially and with my reasons clearly outlined.
How do you know when to stop listening to advice?
8 responses to “When to Stop Listening”
When it isn't advice any more. True advice to me is constructive and occurs when the one giving it wants to help YOU and has your best interest in mind.
Advice is not self-serving (for the one giving it) or sprung from the giver's own insecurities. Unfortunately, the latter is not always easy to see. Some are masters at appearing to be "telling you this for your own good" when the reason really has nothing to do with that.
At times I have a very sensitive side. Fortunately, I have learned to go off and lick my emotional wounds and then look at the "advice" more rationally. If it's true advice, I determine if it makes sense for me. If it's not true advice, I throw it away.
I don't listen to advice when I know the person giving it has another agenda (rather than my well-being or the well-being of the piece/where it's placed). When ego gets involved, run.
When the person giving it has absolutely no clue what they are talking about…
After almost four years of doing this full time I still dread telling people who aren't writers what I do. I do mainly educational/assessment writing and rarely get a byline. People are always ready to provide some "helpful" suggestion, such as "you should try Seventeen magazine or Woman's World" or "why don't you try the local newspaper?" For the record, the latter pays minimum wage since my town is so small.
Krista, I think the reason I still dread telling people I'm a writer is this line "Neat! I've always wanted to write a book…" As if book writing is the only profession and they're just as capable as I am at writing. They may be, but this is my job. Oy.
Cathy, don't you hate that? They start telling you things like "Here's the story you should be writing instead!" Great, but the editor wants something else. I love when people assume the role of both the writer and editor. Grr….
Devon, exactly. Sometimes it's so transparent. I worry about the newbies who may not have the experience to understand when they're being snowed. It's way too easy to doubt yourself at the beginning.
It's hard to “listen” when the internet is involved. All too often what is taken as unwanted advice wasn't really advice to begin with or what is taken as flaming was really just an opinion on the other person's part.
Read through the comments or emails carefully before deciding to respond. It's funny how some people start reading a comment and jump the gun by responding without reading the rest of the comment. They end up looking like fools. Okay, so I've been there and I've done that.
It's also amazing how one can see things in your comment that weren't even there. “Oh, she thinks I don't know what I'm doing! Well, I give her a putdown.” Then the war begins. I don't always take my own advice, but one really should think before they act.
I try to step back, weigh the pros & cons and then decide if the advice was good, bad, or simply an excuse for the other person to bolster their own ego.
The start of your post reminded me of my 6-year old niece. She seldom admits she doesn't know something. You could explain how a hydrogen bomb is made and she'll very earnestly say, "I know." (She may be qualifying that by thinking, "I know because you just told me.") She loves sharing her information with others (future teacher, perhaps?). Apparently, she'd left some plastic toys near the fireplace, and my brother told her how the heat from the fire might melt the plastic. Monday we were at a science demonstration at a children's museum. The scientist made gas-filled balloons explode, and he had a plastic jug he used to shoot a plastic cup into the air. After his presentation kids could come ask questions. Several did. My nephew asked how he made the explosions turn different colors. My niece didn't have a question. She said, "If you put plastic near fire it will melt." So adorable. They guy was great about it, and told her why she was right, explained how the flames in his experiments were so brief it only singed the plastic – then said it was smart not to put plastic near flames.
I listen to all advice, but I try to remember to take time to think over what was said and consider the adviser's motives. Devon's right; I've had several people give "advice" just to make themselves feel better about their own writing. I've also gotten criticism from those who believe their way is the only way, which, of course, is not true in most areas of writing. I've also had people say my writing is awesome, but they don't necessarily know what they're talking about either 🙂 So I carefully consider the who and why before making changes to (or becoming satisfied with) the way I write. What's the saying… moderation in everything? 🙂
Ashley, I'm sure your writing IS awesome. 🙂 You presented a great point – when writers need to heed their internal voice and let advice roll off them. I'm with you – those who think there's only one way to do this job aren't seeing beyond themselves enough to know that's not true.
Wendy, guilty as charged myself. I've had to train myself to let the heated, nasty (or perceived nasty) emails sit for a day. I've even asked him to look at it and give his opinion. If he thinks it's rude (he rarely does), then it's someone trying to get an argument going. I don't bite. I can't. The minute I do, I look foolish.
Paula, that girl is either going to be a rocket scientist or a Wikipedia-type CEO. 🙂