What’s on the iPod: 4th of July by Steven Kellogg and the Sixers
Yesterday being a fractured work day, I expect today to be utterly boring. I want to try contacting these associations that keep ignoring my emails. I need one more quote for an article and I don’t want to have to think about it next week.
I realized that for a blogger, nothing is worse than a life with nothing going on at the moment. That’s where I stand. Lots of things going on in the lives of those in the house right now, but nothing noteworthy. One is in Brazil. One lives in northwestern CT. Another is home until after the new year, and the youngest is home until after her Disney getaway. We parents are enjoying the company of those with us, missing the others, and trying to sit down uninterrupted.
But what do you blog about there? How exciting is that? For them, it’s great. For us, it’s a line item.
I was listening to a writer lament recently about one aspect of putting together a project. What struck me was that the answer was right there, but this writer, instead of embracing my suggestion, said “I know how to do it.” Yes, you may. But you don’t know how to do it effectively.
Worse was the complete shutdown to my response. It struck me as very strange. Here’s someone helping you and you take the “I don’t need your help” stance with something you obviously do need help with. I don’t know about you, but when I’m presented with a problem that someone has asked very clearly “How do you do it?” and I give my response, the comeback (for that’s what it felt like) is out of place. It reveals to me a writer who will never take suggestions – even those asked for – because that would be admitting not knowing something.
I’ve seen just a handful of writers who do this – they ask for help or complain about their situation, but won’t hear anything that could improve their lives a little. What is that? In one case, the writer was a working writer. In others, beginners who are still enamored with their own prose or who still hear their mothers praising them without question. It’s great to love your work and get compliments, but what if you could improve your work? Why not hear someone out and take that under consideration?
One writer in a writing group of mine years ago had a 20K-word children’s book. I gave her an hour’s worth of suggestions on how to fix it. Trouble was she apparently didn’t think anything was wrong with it. She took offense at the suggestion that 20K words wasn’t the standard children’s book, and that she should stop using the phrase “They began to…” as it was too wordy. Just get to the point, I told her. She did. The point was she wanted praise, not feedback. I never heard back from her. (This was in the days prior to email attachments, so this was done via regular mail).
I’m not one to dole out advice unless I’m asked (this blog being the exception). I will make a suggestion now and then if I think it will help someone. After I while, I’ve learned who can hear it and who can’t. In a few cases, I change the subject. Nothing is worse than listening to someone complain about an issue you can help them clear up but knowing they don’t want your advice.
How do you walk the fine line? Do you even need to?
9 responses to “Don’t Ask, Do Tell”
Something to remember about writers who won't take suggestions — it indicates how they work with clients and/or editors, and shows they can't cut it in this business.
If I feel huge resistance to a suggestion, I'll often say, "Thank you. I need to think about that."
And I do. Because sometimes it takes awhile to really absorb the content of a suggestion, realize that it works as is, or is a path that will help you get where you need to go, even if you don't follow it to the letter, and then you apply it.
I've ranted about ungrateful writers who ask for advice and then throw it back into your face. They get to do that with me exactly once. After that, no time for them. Let them go bother someone else.
I could spend that time writing.
If you ask for advice, you get it and say, "thank you." It is then your option as to using it or not using it, but you still say "thank you" and do not get defensive and do not make excuses.
That's my thought, Devon. If you ask, don't be upset because you get what you asked for. Ridiculous.
I think you're right about how they work with clients, too. Frankly, I don't know if I'd like working with someone who knows it all.
Hi Lori.
Good post! I think I've mentioned this before, but I can be as stubborn as the next guy. On occasion, I'll get feedback, and my hackles go up (internally; I almost never voice that feeling).
But I always chew on comments afterward, perhaps because I'm so stubborn. And sometimes, I simply have to admit, "Damn, that's a good point." Kills me! But I'm a better writer and businessperson because of the feedback and because I, sometimes reluctantly, agree with it!
Have I ever told you that your blog is the only writer's blog that I include in my morning reading religiously? (I read other blogs, but not in that morning must-read period.)
Thanks for creating a community and providing great advice. Happy holidays!
Gabriella's channeling me today.
Most writers are sensitive, that's what allows us to connect with our readers and subjects. But to be a professional, you also need the ability to step back and see things for what they really are. That means listening to feedback and weighing how valid it is. Sometimes the hardest critiques to hear are the most helpful.
My sister's here – after a marathon gift wrapping session last night, we'll be doing crafty things and baking today and tomorrow. So Merry Christmas, everyone! (Hey, even people who don't celebrate Christmas can still have a merry day.)
Gabriella pretty much wrote everything I was thinking when I read this post! I'm definitely pretty stubborn, but I enjoy learning other people's points of view. And seriously – if you ask for help and get it, don't balk. Take or leave the advice, just remember that you asked for it, and don't be rude to someone taking the time to offer suggestions.
I'm actually more guilty of the opposite: believing whatever anyone tells me about my writing – good, bad, indifferent. I'm only now having confidence that yes, I am a good writer, and yes, my opinions are valid. It's enlightening!
Merry Christmas everyone!
I love constructive criticism. I don't always agree with it, but I love it when someone takes the time to offer their advice.
But, it has to be constructive. I don't want someone to just spout, "Fix your grammar" and leave it that. Give me a 'because' or even an example, so I can get a good idea of what you're talking about. If it's an area that needs fixing, I need to understand what you're talking about before I can do anything about.
Gabriella, you make this blog a favorite among a lot of people. It's your input, and everyone's input, that makes this place fun to be. Thank you for that. 🙂
My hand's up – I too get my hackles up when there's criticism. I have an editor I work with whose criticism, though, has made me a better writer in many ways. There are a few things I've not agreed with, but in general I've tried approaching it from a "how can I learn from this person?" perspective.
Enjoy your sister's company, Paula! My own sister is 500 miles away. I'll see her in January, though. 🙂
Ashley, great perspective! I've been guilty of that, too. I think maybe that's where some of us get the protective attitude – from having been criticized too harshly.
Wendy, that's so true. I have had clients spout that very "bad grammar" complaint, but when I probe deeper, I realize they're relying on antiquated grammar rules. I need specifics, not blanket complaints.
Happy holidays to all! 🙂
There is one frustrating thing about having amazing people who read your blog, Lori. I feel like my opinion has already been shared by the time I get to the comments. 🙂 I usually end up nodding my head in agreement and spending 20 minutes trying to think of something intelligent to add.
But anyway, I am always open to suggestions and feedback. I want, so desperately to improve my writing and my business, that I will take it anywhere I can get it. The only problem to keep in mind with this approach is there are more than two ways to skin a cat and you can easily get caught up in changing back and forth between your feedback. It is important to evaluate your feedback and come to solid conclusions which fit in with your goals and go from there.
Well, Merry Christmas to everyone! Time to get off here and go make some cookies, then it off to a whirlwind night of wrapping…oh yea, and to eating those cookies! 😉
Sal, your comments are always welcome. 🙂 And you added an important note – not all advice fits. You can drive yourself nuts trying to heed all advice. Trust the inner voice. 🙂
Have a great holiday, Sal. 🙂