I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! Back to the serious business for some. For the rest of us, we’re serious about business 24/7, 365, with a few days off for good behavior.
Maybe it’s because the calendar page turned over, but the first few days of September were a damn sight better than the whole of August. Last week ended well. No, it ended really well. There was madness, leftover grieving (that will be a while – we are a water sign), pre-surgery nonsense, and some general discord here and there, so I wasn’t really expecting much other than a fast escape come Friday. But there were some bright spots, and one really unexpected one early on Friday.
You probably know about the issue I had recently regarding an unpaid invoice. I’ve referenced it enough to show that my irritation over it isn’t going away. I’d sent an invoice to the same client (or so I’d thought), realized it never got sent, resent it, and went about my business. The client’s contractor, someone I’d worked with in the past, called. The message said he wanted to talk about my invoicing and he said how “embarrassed” he was that it hadn’t been paid. I wasn’t sure how to take that. Did he mean the one I’d forgotten to send or was he being called in to give me a talking to about my invoice? See, occasionally he pays my invoices. Long story.
I connected with him Friday morning, not sure what to expect, bracing for the “They don’t want to pay this.” Instead, he said “I apologize.”
The shocker? He’s not involved directly in this invoicing dispute. In fact, it was a non-issue to the client (but a recurring concern in my mind) for a few months now. But he said “Ever since that email exchange, I’ve been bothered by how they responded.”
So he bided his time, got his opportunity last week, and told them it’s unacceptable to not pay an invoice of any contractor because they didn’t use the end result. I’m now getting paid for both invoices.
He may have been protecting his own payment future to some extent, but that he championed my cause was just unbelievable. And it was very appreciated. I think I thanked him about six times. This is a problem that was months old. That he remembered and felt compelled to say something speaks to his integrity. He did two things right – he apologized and he showed incredible good will. And the first part – the apology – wasn’t even his to make. But it went a long way toward mending my sour feelings toward this once-favored client.
For some reason, it’s so hard for people to say they’re sorry. I’ve worked with clients who have the toughest time uttering that word or even admitting fault. In one client’s case, my own reputation has been tainted somewhat by the errors on the client side. In about three cases, I’ve had to ask for the client to correct a mistake made on the client side. In no instance did I receive an apology. And because it’s happened repeatedly and has been a source of embarrassment, I won’t be working with this client again. If I’d gotten even one apology, I might feel like I can work with this client. Without it, I feel like I’m wasting my time and risking my reputation for nothing.
If you screw up, own up. It’s hard, but I’m telling you, it’s so much easier to move beyond it if you suck it up and apologize. Instead, too many people get wound up in “Here’s where I think you may have made the mistake” crap. Just look at it objectively. We all screw up. If you find yourself on the receiving end, point out the mistake nicely and let it go. If you’re the one who screwed up, apologize and fix it.
When was the last time an apology fixed it for you? When was the last time you owed one? Did you give it? Did it help?
11 responses to “The Hardest Word (But the Most Necessary)”
Happy for you that your problem was resolved.
In many instances, an apology could mend all ills.
Excellent. And there's someone you want to keep working with, even away from the original problem client.
Regarding apologies — I'm always glad to accept them if they are sincere and unqualified. I don't want excuses or "if I made you feel bad" or "if you misunderstood me" keep the IF out of it. Either you did or you didn't, or I did or I didn't.
When I proffer apologies, there is always the concern they won't be accepted. There is just that segment of the population that can't accept a sincere apology and rebuild from there. They want pain, punishment, and groveling.
I am more than willing to make right a mistake, but I am not willing to denigrate myself or be abused in the process.
I try to remember that when I get annoyed at those who don't apologize — perhaps they've tried in the past, and, instead of an acceptance and a rebuilding, they were met with abuse.
Carole, in this case, it certainly did mend things. I was inches from telling the client "Know what? Either things change going forward or we'll have to part company." This guy saved me from making that decision. But I was willing to make it.
Devon, exactly, The "if" or "but" statement never belongs in an apology. I lived with someone who, for 17 years, would say, "I'm sorry but…" I didn't include the comma there because he didn't, either. It was a continuation of thought "I'm sorry but really I'm not because in some way it was your fault, not mine." His go-to line was "It's both our faults." Never mind the grammar nightmare – the whole sentence is just flawed.
It's a risk we take, not having our apology accepted, isn't it? I sent one to my dying lost love – one line "I am sorry." I didn't qualify it. He knew what I was sorry about – all those years where we both had to live with bad decisions. I hope he accepted it, but even if he didn't, I'd said it. I think an apology, whether accepted or not, brings us back to a place where we can feel unleashed from bad feelings, guilt, anger, etc.
So true, Lori. A sincere apology can make so much difference in a relationship, whether personal or business. It is a difficult thing to say, as if somehow it diminishes a person's worthiness by admitting fault. But I think just the opposite is true. I have increased respect for someone willing to admit a mistake and try to make amends rather than covering it up. Somehow, people seem to think that the lack of apology would prevent me from noticing that it happened.
Ashley, I think (and this is just a theory) that the habit of avoiding apologies comes from the politics within a company. If you make a mistake in a company, it could be fatal to the career. The tendency is to cover one's arse constantly. I've seen people in companies spin their wheels endlessly just trying to work in a way that allows them proof should anyone be out to get them. Pretty inefficient.
I received an apology last week, too. It wasn't over a big deal, but the editor could have placed the blame elsewhere and I would have been none the wiser. But she apologized and took full responsibility for not getting something to me in a timely fashion.
I'm one of those people who apologizes for being in the way when someone steps on my toes. Naturally, when there is cause to apologize, I apologize.
A year or two ago I queried a prominant specialty writing magazine (unavailable at newsstands anywhere near my area). I'd searched their online archives to see if they'd covered the writer I wanted to pitch, read other profiles to get a feel for their style. I'd done my homework. I sent my query and the editor replied, rather curtly, that apparently I wasn't very familiar with their magazine, since they'd just covered the guy.
I was surprised, and stung. I knew ignoring her comment wouldn't do any good, so I sent an immediate apology. That thing Devon dreads came true…she neither accepted nor acknowledged my apology. She ignored it. That exchange left me feeling that she now owes me an apology for being rude, snippy and ungracious.
I got my revenge by becoming a regular contributor to their direct competition where the editor is smart, respectful and easy to work with.
Lori, I'm so glad this is being resolved. And you're absolutely right – the simple act of apologizing with tacking on a bunch of useless excuses can be just the balm that's needed.
I once wrote a couple of articles for a magazine editor I'd worked with for two years with no payment issues. Suddenly he wasn't responding to my emails or phone calls. Eventually I got in contact with him by phone and he sincerely apologize admitting he's been avoiding me, revealed that the publication was having financial issues but promised to mail my payment immediately. Even though I was beyond irritated and frustrated with him, I appreciated that he didn't try to BS me with a bunch of excuses – he just admitted he was wrong and paid me. I got my payment just as he promised.
Funny you should bring it up.
I am bringing my red-faced self over here after sending a follow-up to a client for the green light for a project.
I require 50% upfront and had not received payment. I was professional and all that, but imagine my embarrassment when the client pointed out that I had not sent the Statement of Work that triggers the deposit.
I had the Statement of Work. I just neglected to send it. Can you spell distracted? Oops-sorry! 🙁
Paula, I think a person like that is better working with herself. You can't make them accept the apology, but that doesn't mean you have to accept their rude behavior, either. Good for you. You found someone nicer to work with.
Kim, that's great! I know I've heard people say "You can apologize all day long as long as the check is on its way to me", but an apology really does help. Mind you, if there's an apology and NO action, that's just empty words.
Ouch, Cathy! Likewise me – when this guy called, I thought it was because of the invoice I'd forgotten to send. I was ready to apologize for wasting his time.
I'll kick butt if someone puts a BUT or an IF in an apology. It drives me crazy. Basically, they're just saying that it's all your fault for something they did. The only time I ever accepted an apology with a BUT in it was when they said something like, "When you said this, I got angry, BUT, it doesn't excuse what I did." That I'm okay with because they're still acknowledging that they are at fault.
When I'm at fault, I have no problem giving a humble apology. It's not always accepted, but that's okay. I still did my part.
Wendy, I like that apology. It's telling you what triggered that person's outburst, but still apologizing for their behavior. Nice.