Writers Worth: This Job, Not That Job

There’s something about a pandemic that brings out the best in most people.

However, it brings out the worst in some people, too. Just take a look at any job board right now and you’ll see some of the most demeaning, insulting “employment offers” there have ever been.

Thanks to Devon Ellington for sending this one straight to my in box. Devon’s a pro, so she knows how to sniff out garbage. And man, this one reeks of weeks-old scraps.

This was clearly a bad month for me to give up cursing.

Dear writer friends, I give you the June installment of This Job, Not That Job. Here’s today’s candidate:

Content Writer

Full-time, Part-time

Content Writer – No experience necessary!

(COMPANY), a budget ghostwriting service, is looking for freelance writers to produce eBooks on a wide variety of topics. Books typically range between 15,000 and 30,000 words and cover an array of subjects. Qualified candidates must be able to research topics quickly and turn in non-plagiarized content within a reasonable deadline. Writers are free to pick up as many or as few topics as they like with no minimums required. No experience necessary. No upfront fees required to start. If you have been curious to give freelance writing a try but felt you would be rejected for lack of experience, then (COMPANY) would be interested in helping you build your portfolio. This is an online only position…..

Please provide a 300-word writing sample outlining the basics of a passive income method of your choice to see if you are a good fit for the freelance position. You can attach a file or use the text box.

If selected, we will compensate you for this writing sample……

Compensation starts at $1 or $1.10 per 100 words with the possibility of bonuses depending on the topic. After a trial period writers may also qualify for projects at the rate of $1.30/$1.40 per 100 words.

Benefits:

• Flexible Schedule

Work Location:

• Fully Remote

This Company Describes Its Culture as:

• Detail-oriented — quality and precision-focused

Okay, if you stop laughing for a minute, we can just pick this apart. This is definitely one of the easier ones to ferret out, isn’t it?

Where to start? Okay, let’s just head right to the top with this:

Content Writer – No experience necessary!

Just hold the Damn. Phone. No experience necessary means one thing to freelancers who have been down this particular dead end in the past:

Crap pay.

That right there is enough reason to just click off this and go about your day. However, we’re here and we’re waiting for projects, so let’s continue.

(COMPANY), a budget ghostwriting service, is looking for freelance writers to produce eBooks on a wide variety of topics.

There is so much wrong with this sentence. “Budget ghostwriting service” — again, that translates to “We’re not paying you jack sh*t.” Then there’s this: “freelance writers” — and that’s bad because when they hire in bulk, again, you’re not getting paid what you’re worth. And honey, you’re worth much more than they’re offering.

Oh, but then there’s this “on a wide variety of topics” — that’s code for “content mill.” And you who have read anything here know how much I loathe a content mill of any sort.

Qualified candidates must be able to research topics quickly and turn in non-plagiarized content within a reasonable deadline.

So they want “qualified” candidates, but they have to remind these “qualified” candidates not to plagiarize. And what exactly is their definition of a “reasonable deadline”, especially placed so close to “quickly”? Right. Next!

No experience necessary. No upfront fees required to start.

Wait. Fees? Who the hell charges a fee to hire you? And of course there’s no experience necessary. You’re “qualified” somehow already. Probably the fact that you haven’t written to them to let them know what they can do with their offer.

If you have been curious to give freelance writing a try but felt you would be rejected for lack of experience, then (COMPANY) would be interested in helping you build your portfolio.

Oh. My. Hell. (This month of non-cursing isn’t working, it seems.)

This is not a job for any “qualified” candidate. It’s a job for a wanna-be writer. And no, I’m not knocking wanna-be writers. We were all wanna-be writers at one point. I’m knocking companies that feed off their dreams.

And freelancers, there’s that phrase: “…helping you build your portfolio.” Yep. A fancy way of saying “you get exposure.” And again, I’m not a nudist nor am I interested in giving it a shot, thank you.

This is an online only position

And clearly it’s one in which the editing sucks, you haters of hyphens.

Please provide a 300-word writing sample outlining the basics of a passive income method of your choice to see if you are a good fit for the freelance position.

No. No free samples. EVER. Never never never EVER. You want me to write 300 words? That’s at least $300, please. Oh but wait — they did say they’d compensate you. Let’s see how much they pay:

Compensation starts at $1 or $1.10 per 100 words with the possibility of bonuses depending on the topic. After a trial period writers may also qualify for projects at the rate of $1.30/$1.40 per 100 words.

All we can do is laugh, really. I mean, I was a little queasy before they even mentioned the pay rate. But $1 per 100 words? I make more than that PER WORD, and so can you.

But wait! There’s more — they dangled the carrot, like we knew they would! Predictably, they offered a pay raise to those who do well. Yes, you too could be making $19.50 to write an eBook that hey, they’re going to make a ton more money off of. Gee, that sounds SO much better than the $15 you were making at the beginning, yes?

No. No it doesn’t.

Benefits:

• Flexible Schedule

For the love of … Come on. It’s a freelance job. By its very nature, it comes with a built-in flexible schedule. You can’t promise a benefit that isn’t yours to give.

This Company Describes Its Culture as:

• Detail-oriented — quality and precision-focused

Then they’d have known how to put that subhead in proper case, wouldn’t they?

Then there’s that whole business of saying the job is “full time or part time” and freelance at the same time. So which is it? And if it’s full time/part time, I’ll be expecting a few more benefits than that “flexible schedule” thing.

Please. Writers. Try something like this instead:

Saveur

Saveur welcomes pitches from writers who want to tell amazing stories about food and travel. ….

Pay starts at $1.50/word for print.

You’d be 13 words in and have already earned as much as the first job listing.

I know my choice. You?

Writers, have you seen an uptick in these sorts of job postings? Where are you seeing the worst offenders?