Yesterday was a wad of busy wrapped inside a shell of chaos. I got plenty accomplished, but there’s plenty more awaiting. I’m busy working on an emergency project today, plus I’m fighting off an infection that may require a doctor’s visit. I have no time for that, so it may wait until tomorrow.
I’ve been noticing an odd phenomenon occurring among people who are of opposing viewpoints. There’s a sense of grind-you-to-dust vehemency in their responses to things they believe in or are against. The Internet and all the instant media communication seems to have made disagreements escalate into arguments and arguments escalate into attacks. Probably because we’re separated by screens and bandwidth, we’re saying a lot more than we should, and we’re nasty about it.
Over the years, I’ve been disinclined to talk to certain people about various topics because it’s just an invitation for a challenge, a debate, and eventually some name-calling on the part of the challenger. It’s middle-school behavior repackaged in adults, and it doesn’t deserve my time.
However, people can indeed have discussions and opposing opinions without belittling, shouting, or name-calling. Honest. In fact, a dear friend and I couldn’t come to an agreement last week, but neither of us shouted or did anything other than think “Okay, now what?”
Here are ways to avoid a disagreeable situation with clients and colleagues:
Remove emotion. Hear the message, not the tone or the acidic qualities. What’s he saying? He doesn’t like that draft not because “you clearly didn’t listen to what I was asking for” but because “it doesn’t clearly define who our audience is, nor what our purpose is.” The former you can’t and shouldn’t address; the latter is all that matters.
Validate the opposing opinion. We all want to be heard. If you automatically say “You’re wrong” without acknowledging the opinion beyond that, expect a fight. Instead, find that nugget of truth and call attention to it. “Yes, you have a point about the proliferation of rock stars who are former drug addicts. I think that’s well documented, so you’re correct.” Then you can tell your side of the story – why all rock stars are not former drug addicts. You’re now more likely to be heard.
Get a mediator. In the case of my friend’s and my stalemate, I asked a trusted colleague for her opinion. She gave us a super alternative that combined both our ideas, and we were relieved and could move forward.
Know the motivation. Name-calling and demeaning language is deflection. Someone who resorts to those types of behaviors is usually insecure. Insecure people belittle others in order to feel important. That’s something not worth responding to or even thinking twice about.
If the person you’re disagreeing with has a valid reason for doing so, it will show in the conversation. Stop. Think about your position and why you hold it. Consider the opposing opinion and what validity there is. Can there be a compromise?
Refuse to engage. In some cases when someone is shouting and calling names, let them do what they will. The less you say, the larger the reflection is on the one making the charges. Understand that who you are is not defined by one person’s outburst or accusation.
9 responses to “Agreeable Disagreements”
I know what you mean about certain topics you just stay away from. I think a lot of my current feelings about the whole raging debate thing is my *ahem* seasoned status. 🙂
The older I get, the more I focus on the amount of energy it takes to engage in verbal warfare. If I figure it's too much wasted energy, I employ your last tactic.
When it comes to clients, that's a different story. One of the simplest, most effective solutions I have found to diffuse an escalating problem is to pick up the phone. Fortunately, I have not had too many occasions where I could sense the emotions getting worked up. But, when I have and I picked up the phone and calmly (as you note, Lori-taken the emotion out of it), it has totally calmed things down.
I guess I was born with diplomatic tendencies. While I can argue a point I'm totally certain of, I always keep a sense of humor and try to see the other person's point of view.
Your last point is crucial, Lori. The main reason most people get argumentative and nasty is to get you riled up enough that they drag you down to their playground so they can kick sand in your eyes. Guess what? If you don't allow yourself to be lured down, the sand can't hurt you.
The one thing bullies hate most of all is when their tactics don't work. They don't know how to react to a smile – or laughter.
Cathy, I was thinking about the different people in my life and what I will/won't discuss with them. With my siblings, I won't talk politics (or anyone else, for that matter). Some relatives aren't going to hear my views on gay marriage. Others won't hear what I think about women's reproductive issues. It's just avoiding those hot-button issues, and especially doing so when it's not one-on-one.
Only once did the phone make it worse for me, and that was with the client who was intent on NOT paying me. His motivation was to hang all sorts of ills on my shoulders, use guilt, etc. to avoid that bill. That's when I wisely moved it back to email. That paper trail saved my butt.
Paula, so very true. I will not engage. I don't defend myself either unless it's so offensive that it can't be overlooked. I know someone who insists on pointing out things I do that she thinks are ridiculous. I know it's some really bizarre form of jealousy – she's openly said so on occasion. I can't – and won't – be party to her demons.
Good point about the paper trail, Lori. Fortunately, I have not had payment arguments-she says VERY LOUDLY knocking on wood. 🙂
And I live every day with sealed lips on many of those same issues you describe. I can't tell you how much I abhor politics-oops, I said that word. 😉
LOL! Cathy, I try not to say the word, either. It's just not worth it.
I've learned to move it to paper. I'd heard such horror stories that I figured having a written account somewhere was a good idea.
I think its sad how nobody wants to discuss anything anymore, how everything has to get crazy and personal and turn into a fight after just a few minutes. I think the medium (the Internet) has contributed to this but I'm not really sure why. Is it just the anonymity? Maybe it's the speed. Nobody has the time (or wants to take the time) to think about what they say anymore. Before they say it, I mean.
EP, I think you've hit on the top reasons why, actually. Anonymity, speed, and brains now hard-wired to react instantly.
Ah, this is the worst! I hate conflict and if this happens in a professional context, I generally won't ever work with that person again–it's just way too unpleasant.
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