Thankfully the jerk was only here about an hour. And believe me, had be been anything more than an opinionated jerk I was prepared – I know where every potential weapon is in this house. It’s always helpful knowledge. I know which frying pan is the heaviest, where all of the chemicals are that I could spray into an attacker’s eyes, and that innocent looking knitting needles (which frankly can be found almost anywhere around here – same with scissors) can make great weapons.

The very first time I was home alone as a kid (for an hour), I mentally mapped the house for anything I could use as a weapon if a someone broke in or a monster came up from the basement. (Never mind that the dog we had at the time would have viscously attacked any stranger he saw. He was a crazy but loyal mutt.)

Are you serious? He held an answer over your head like that? I would have shown him the door and told him the answer to his investment question was on the other side of it. What an absolute jerk! He asked far too many questions, and I’d never work with someone again who got that personal that fast. And I’d wait until he was gone to tell him so. You never know — anyone who gets that personal sends up instant warning flags to me.

The sales guy was here that long. Seriously. Time management was clearly an issue for him, but so was consideration for his potential customers. It was absurd. I was so hungry and so damned tired of his loud talking that I wasn’t being even cordial anymore. And he never noticed.

The stupid makes me weary too, Devon. And I like your qualifier — you pitch outside your usual topic areas, but with a clear explanation of why you’re the right person for the job.

Speaking of pests….the sales guy was there how long? Why would anyone hire someone with such obvious issues with time management?

Several months back, I had to hire a handyman to replace a faucet that had begun spraying water across the kitchen if it wasn’t firmly shut off. A neighbor recommended him. He walked in, looked at the nice, old, DEEP—and yes, a bit dinged up—porcelain-coated cast iron sink that I love—and said, “You need a new sink.”

No. I told him how much I love the sink and the fact that it’s already got a few dings means I won’t freak out if he accidentally dings it when replacing the faucet. Which he did. (Although I’m not sure it was accidental.)

He also told me several other things that needed replacing. I finally had to tell him, “This house is 97-years old. I don’t want anything to be shiny-and-new because it would be totally out of place.”

As if that wasn’t enough to prevent me from permanently losing his contact information, he asked my age (that’s something only divulged on a need-to-know basis and he had no need to know); he asked what I do for a living and after I said I write about the TV industry he proceeded to mansplain parts of the business he clearly knows nothing about. Oh, and then he started getting political (opposite side of the spectrum, too), and at one point said he wouldn’t finish installing the faucet until I answered a question about investing. Seriously. He posited that investors should rightfully expect at least a 10% ROI, so he didn’t like my answer: Investing is a speculative activity, so no one should “expect” any ROI at all. You’re investing money on the hope that you’ll earn a good ROI with the understanding that all of those funds are at risk.

What I should have done? Waved the unsigned check under his nose and say, “Well, you’re certainly not getting paid until the job is completed.”

Such. A. Jerk. No only did he lose future business from me, he lost the potential business of anyone I could have referred his way. And after I told the guy who’d referred him to me….I kind of doubt he’ll get much business from him anymore, either.

And if you tell me my sites suck and you want to be hired to fix them — don’t. Just don’t. Especially if your post is mis-spelled and has mis-used words.

Basically, when I pitch, I try to avoid what drives me nuts when I’m on the receiving end.

I do often pitch out of my usual realm of topics — but in that case, I make it a point to say why I’m the right choice to write about it even though it’s a stretch — my interest in it, my contacts, my unique POV on the topic, whatever.

The stupid makes me weary.