I’m so sorry you went through all of that. It sounds like you deserve for some good to happen in life. And I hope the move away from the corporate world and into freelancing gives you some of that and helps you find what you’re looking for. 🙂

In all honesty, I allowed myself to get side-tracked more than once because even after my divorce, that man still tried to control me through our son, but here I am. Evil never rests. Recently, I lost someone who was closer to me than my own mother so I’m reeling, but here I am.

What you’ve done for me, though, is light that fire inside so that I can get out of corporate work and become the freelance writer I was put here to be. Thank you for your transparency.

I suspect my post-pitch fears stem from school. I was one of those weirdos who always performed best under pressure — sometimes extreme pressure. If I worked on a paper meticulously for weeks, I’d do so-so. If I waited until the night before to draft a word, I’d ace it (like when I aced a book report without ever reading the book LOL). When I realized that worked out best for me, I started doing it more intentionally. But when I’d submit something, I’d always be terrified the moment the paper left my hands. Absolute panic until I’d get the inevitable top grade possible. So stress + post-submission-panic = things work out well for me. So while it makes me batty in the moment, on some level when I get those fears, it feels like my gut’s giving me the “you shouldn’t have done that, but it’s all going to work out” sign. I don’t recommend it! 😉

I like your 50/50 mindset. After all, the worst any client can do is say “no,” right? (Now nobody share your horror stories with me to prove otherwise!)

With the pitching fears, I do my research, I trust that I have enough craft and creativity to come up with something interesting. I let it go. My perspective (for the moment) is that it has a 50/50 chance. Either they’ll buy it. Or they won’t.

Since I made that adjustment, more pitches are hitting the mark.

Pain and betrayal — I’ll spare the “there, there” and simply agree it sucks.

Gina, just as Jenn spoke to me earlier, you’ve spoken for me now. I loved both the what and the how of your writing. Thanks for a great comment.

Well, go & make me all teary-eyed again… 😉

Thank you Gina. I’m glad if I’ve helped you in any way over the years. I’m also glad you’ve grown in a way where you can see through some of the bullshit out there better now. That will help you find your own way. The related fears might not vanish, but you’ll learn to trust yourself even more as you go. 🙂

Amen.

I’m done shoveling. I’m done “building up muscle.” I’ve been strong my entire life. And I lost what mattered most in this world for my trouble. So fuck it. My sense of self-worth isn’t tied to what anyone else thinks of me. I learned that lesson long ago. It can’t do a damn thing to bring back anything that was taken away. It’s a nice thing to strive for if you don’t have it. Necessary even. But it’s also not enough.

Oooh, can’t wait for that one!