Last week we talked about glass ceilings in the freelance world, which to my knowledge are rare. This week a more heinous beast – harassment, cat calls, misbehavior by male counterparts. I’d love to say this is as rare as the glass ceiling in freelancing, but ask ten women and I’d bet about 8 of them have had an experience that left them angry, scared, shaking, incensed, or doubting themselves. Bridget over at Biz Chicks Rule posted her experience last week. Apparently, just walking past a group of men warrants the misbehavior.
Despite my advanced age (way over 40 here), I still get rude comments. I’ve had everything from indecent propositions in email to men sliding their business cards into my hand seductively while telling me how gorgeous I am. The latter I blame on the conference mentality some of these dogs revert to the minute they’re away from home. The former I cannot explain.
Why? Why is it women can conduct business without going there (not exclusively, for there are women dogs, too) yet some men cannot? I remember once laughing at a man’s joke at a conference. Apparently, I have a sexy laugh (I don’t – I laugh like a burst gas pipe) because that was the very next thing out of his mouth. I remember walking through a conference hall, feet killing me, on my way back to my room for the night. A man was standing at his booth and he came over, took my hand, slid his business card in and purred about how I was the loveliest creature he’d ever seen and to call him. I gave him a disgusted look and asked him if he minded if my husband called instead. That he didn’t back off after that showed the mentality of a man in heat. Jerk. Then there was the interviewer who called me back to meet with him after he’d hired someone else. He wanted to explain why he didn’t hire me, he said. But after what I thought was a pleasant conversation, I had to fend off more and more suggestive emails from him. He was married. Then there was the colleague I met for lunch who liked my personality, he said to my face. In email, he told me about everything else he apparently liked about me in embarrassing, sickening detail. Did I deserve this crap? No. I was friendly. I was myself. In a few cases, the fact that I had a pulse was enough to get them going. I am NOT hot, unless you count the hot flashes. I’m honest and I’m open. And that, my friends, gets me into more trouble than it’s worth.
My husband has commented a number of times on how he feels there’s a wall between him and female colleagues. He’s a friendly person who likes to hear other people’s stories. He tries to get the women talking, but he says he’s met much resistance and coldness to his inquisitive side. He asked me why some women are just so hard to talk to. I pointed to my own experiences – when women open up and display a friendly nature, there are men out there who take that as an invitation to start hitting on them. I’m not saying it’s our fault, nor am I saying this happens all the time, but some people just cannot discern between friendly and flirting. Some are threatened by independent females. Some are just horny old buggers who can’t behave in public.
What are your experiences?
Sarcastic retorts usually work.
Or laughing at them.
And, if they get physical, I take ’em down.
Usually the sarcastic retort works. There’s a difference between playful banter and light flirting and harrassment, and I don’t tolerate harrassment. I tolerated too much of it when I was younger. Can’t be bothered any more.
I was at a temp job once at a Big Corporation, where the men went out and drank a lot at lunch (female executives always excluded). Then, they’d come back and paw at us. I complained to my temp agency, who said there was nothing they could do. So the next time one particular skeevy guy started rubbing my back and breathing his alcohol-laced breath in my ear, I got up, turned around, and decked him. I took the papers on my desk, walked into the VP’s office, threw them in his face, and walked out.
I had a lawyer send them a strong letter, and send a letter to the temp agency, threatening to go after them for condoning the harrassment.
Several people were fired.
Hey Lori! Great post.
Although this wasn’t my first time being around that type of behavior, in times past I’ve found it effective to just “look through them” without responding at all – – they get embarassed quickly because they think what they’re doing isn’t working. That is, of course, you get propositioned by Devon in which case you DO deck them! Otherwise, ignore them and they (usually) go away.
Case in point: My daughter (11) is constantly annoyed by her brothers (7 and 4). Sometimes they annoy her to the point of tears. I’m constantly saying to her to ignore them and they’ll stop. Men (and boys) want attention. All of the time. And, they’ll do anything to get it. If you ignore them, it takes away their steam and they feel as if they’ve lost (this is their competitive nature). My daughter tried it and the annoying behavior stopped almost instantly. Of course that was just for that particular time, as they would do it again.
My point is if we ignore some of the behavior by men, they will stop. Some of their behavior needs physical action, verbal action at times and none at others. I like to look “through” people to make them feel embarassed and take away their power. Try it. Works every time.
I’ve found the “looking through” at least in some of the urban areas I’ve spent time in, makes them MORE aggressive, not less.
For me, laugh first, and if that doesn’t work — kick ass.
It emphasizes the point that any attention given by a female to a male in a work setting (or in a just-met setting) sometimes has us females toning down to protect ourselves. That’s where we come off as “bitches” or “cold.” Look fellas, we’ve been burned no end. We want to talk to you, but we don’t want to carry mace to every cocktail party.
Lori, I am sorry that my gender has done such a discredit to you. I am sure there are some guys out there that would agree with me that we are not all bad.
Oh, and the next time you are approached like that, tell them that one of your friends works for a cement shoe company (this is the part where I am supposed to let you know I am Italian and suggest that I am in some way “connected”)
Do you have any deep lakes or ponds close to you?
LOL! Thanks, Sal. We know it’s not all men. We’re even married or related to a lot of good ones. The problem are those few who are so insecure they have to go there.
Lots of deep lakes here. In fact, we’re only an hour and a half to the Jersey shore. I’m just sayin’ it’s pretty deep out there…
Well said and explained, Lori. I wish more men could interact with women as equal colleagues first and foremost, rather than seeing us as women first and foremost. There’s a lot of male “parasitism” on the energy, emotion and openness of women, because they don’t get the same from other men or something – there’s a barrier they create, or they make it different. This is also to blame the culture of how men are brought up in the first place. I wish they could be “buddies” with women in the same way they are with their male “buddies” too (i.e., with such equal respect and solidarity).
commenting on the above, because again, it’s an interesting topic — I have a lot of buddies that are men, both in the arts and in the sports coverage I do.
Most of the inappropriate behaviour has come in the corporate sector, not in anything else I’ve worked.
Even, surprisingly, in sports. The majority of the men I deal with in sports writing have been really great guys — and very protective when it comes to their less-than-steller colleagues, whether I’ve needed it or not.
Sal, I’m going to have to use that cement shoe line!